this is going to be a random assortment - a jambalaya, if you will - of thoughts that have been collecting in my head but are only now making their way into blog format. i'm not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but i know i need to start using it again, if for nothing other than the pure discipline of identifying my own thoughts enough from time to time to try to explain them to others. so here goes ...
amazing grace. just watched the movie last night. never knew the slave trade was the origin of the song. totally blown away by wilberforce and his humility - took my mind to the passages our church has been teaching on ... "have mercy on me, a sinner". seems he didn't forget that, even in victory.
schemes. been really convicted lately to not forget there is an enemy who schemes against our hearts and souls. our weapon is prayer and to be honest, i'm pretty lazy in prayer. but lately my heart has been so encouraged by the Spirit to remember i'm not fighting against the flesh and blood and daily in-and-out struggles. the fight is how my heart responds to those flesh and blood struggles. and i'm not really the one fighting. i am the one who needs to turn to the One who will fight. Who am i turning to? myself or my God?
which brings me to my next link in the thought-chain. self. self is a four-letter word. and i really should treat it like that more often. again and again i rely on self. ugh, this is sin. just think of how many things we extol as a culture that are all about self. self-reliance. self-sufficiency. self-esteem. self-assurance. self-inflation. self-promotion. self-regulation. you might be thinking, "hey, this or that isn't a bad thing just because it has the word self in it." my point is not that all things with the word self are inherently evil, but seriously, if you really take the time to think about how MUCH we extol self, it gets rather nauseating. and here's why. we start believing we really are self-reliant, self-sufficient. let me change the pronoun here. I start believing that. I forget to rely wholly on my Maker.
the box. we live in a fast, demanding, expensive corner of the world. we've had some unexpected turns the last few months, and you know the saddest part is that i came home from our trip so determined not to just put it in a box with a pretty bow and look at it every so often with comments like "wasn't that such a lovely trip? ... why yes it was ... and what a lovely bow on that lovely box ... sigh ... ". gross. life was real then and life is real now. it's time for me to start connecting those dots. i plan on taking that box down and unpacking it more. i need to take that box down and unpack it.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
the power of three
if you've talked to us this month you know we moved right from Christmas into THREE weddings. and if you haven't talked to us this month ...
well, now you know why.
introducing the triumphant and glowing mr. and mrs. guy e. white the fourth ...
introducing the triumphant and glowing mr. and mrs. guy e. white the fourth ...
and the stunning mr. and mrs. jeremiah lee ...
and the brave mr. and mrs. timothy wayne isbell (brave for having an outdoor wedding in january :) ) ...
we got some awesome times with some awesome friends ...
and it's not every weekend you get to dress up so shnazzy ... well, it was every weekend for three weeks, but it will probably be a while until we get to play dress up again ...
... and sorry ladies, but i will always think i got the BEST man ...
each one was as unique as the couple it celebrated. we were of course thrilled and honored to be a part of each one ... but we're also pretty happy about having a wedding-free weekend :)!
Monday, December 31, 2007
It's Time
Time for ... PICTURES. With the New Year upon us and a BUSY season just behind, we're going to rely on the power of photos to share what life has held these past few weeks and months.
In November we got to spend ten days taking care of these fabulous three littles ...
... and somebody turned 30 ...
... and we got lots of opportunities to hang out with the most perfect baby - Sophie ...
... and spend Christmas with family - this was my best Christmas present ...
... and our lil' sis, Cait, returned from Germany in time for Christmas fun with our most fabulous and entertaining niece, Alli Kay - "MAS PRESENTS!" ...
... just yesterday we celebrated our dear Kristen Jones becoming Mrs. Kristen White ... 
... and in general just keep lovin' the chance to live life together. 
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!!!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
powerless
i hate feeling powerless. i might hate it more than any other sensation. it's not a new feeling. it shouldn't surprise me. it's something my head reconciled a long time ago. but i still hate it.
the thing is, i don't know that i ultimately want power (some would call it control, but i want to avoid that word so as to side-step the "control freak" title), but in moments that i'm aware of how much power i DON'T have, it's like a rug just got pulled out from under me. why is that? i already knew there was no rug, why am i surprised when i look down and see it's not there?
since updating this blog has fallen by the wayside (something that IS within my power and brings up my other weakness: not doing something because i'm embarassed by how long i haven't done it already ... and so the cycle goes), i want everyone to understand that really, our lives are practically fantastic right now and i'm just in the middle of a little meltdown. my plate's been full, my wheels have been spinning, and my heart's been connected to a lot of those wheels. so i'm tired. and when i get tired, i feel like all the energy i've expended to make me so tired feels futile, and thus the powerlessness.
wheel #1: jason's medical mystery continues. test upon test upon test. what we now know is that there is fluid build-up, at least in the ear and maybe in the head? what we don't yet know is whether the cause can be identified. we really don't want to just treat symptoms, but are running out of options on finding the cause. the biggest challenge is his fatigue level - it's just not who he's ever been, so it's taken a lot for either of us to adjust to it, and at the same time, we'd rather not "just adjust" - what's really going on inside him!?
wheel #2: a new field of law for me. i'm now working with a *dear* friend in long beach two days a week. she runs a family law practice and i'm not gonna lie, it's just never easy learning a new field. but i must say, the hour commute is a lot easier to handle now that i've seen how some traffic systems work!
wheel #3: speaking of new fields, i've ventured into the real estate market and have been working with some friends to try and sell their home here in corona (yes, in the worst market in the nation). i can hardly explain how exhausting this has been (which shouldn't be a surprise given the last parenthetical, but like i said, even if i know a rug isn't there, i still land flat on my butt when i feel like it got yanked out from under me). in fact, let me take a minute to solicit prayers that we can close escrow!!! i'm ready to be just the friend again and drop the agent title.
and while i jog on my little spinning wheels, i'm still trying to reconcile what i know to be True about He who has made us and considers powerless lessons a good thing, designed to remind me
that He likes to be depended on, needs to be depended on, and is the only truly powerful or dependable source i've got.
the thing is, i don't know that i ultimately want power (some would call it control, but i want to avoid that word so as to side-step the "control freak" title), but in moments that i'm aware of how much power i DON'T have, it's like a rug just got pulled out from under me. why is that? i already knew there was no rug, why am i surprised when i look down and see it's not there?
since updating this blog has fallen by the wayside (something that IS within my power and brings up my other weakness: not doing something because i'm embarassed by how long i haven't done it already ... and so the cycle goes), i want everyone to understand that really, our lives are practically fantastic right now and i'm just in the middle of a little meltdown. my plate's been full, my wheels have been spinning, and my heart's been connected to a lot of those wheels. so i'm tired. and when i get tired, i feel like all the energy i've expended to make me so tired feels futile, and thus the powerlessness.
wheel #1: jason's medical mystery continues. test upon test upon test. what we now know is that there is fluid build-up, at least in the ear and maybe in the head? what we don't yet know is whether the cause can be identified. we really don't want to just treat symptoms, but are running out of options on finding the cause. the biggest challenge is his fatigue level - it's just not who he's ever been, so it's taken a lot for either of us to adjust to it, and at the same time, we'd rather not "just adjust" - what's really going on inside him!?
wheel #2: a new field of law for me. i'm now working with a *dear* friend in long beach two days a week. she runs a family law practice and i'm not gonna lie, it's just never easy learning a new field. but i must say, the hour commute is a lot easier to handle now that i've seen how some traffic systems work!
wheel #3: speaking of new fields, i've ventured into the real estate market and have been working with some friends to try and sell their home here in corona (yes, in the worst market in the nation). i can hardly explain how exhausting this has been (which shouldn't be a surprise given the last parenthetical, but like i said, even if i know a rug isn't there, i still land flat on my butt when i feel like it got yanked out from under me). in fact, let me take a minute to solicit prayers that we can close escrow!!! i'm ready to be just the friend again and drop the agent title.
and while i jog on my little spinning wheels, i'm still trying to reconcile what i know to be True about He who has made us and considers powerless lessons a good thing, designed to remind me
that He likes to be depended on, needs to be depended on, and is the only truly powerful or dependable source i've got.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Parting the Myst
and he awoke...
So my Doctor tells me on Firday that my latest issues (pulse,numbness,tingling,breathing,etc) are all in my head. Great, there goes my excuse for sitting around watching nothing all day. Then he has the nerve to tell me to get back to living my normal life. Oh sure! Easy for him to say - he doesn't have an eye trying to pop out of his skull! But he is right, of course, much as I don't like to admit it. Our physical lives can really take a toll on our spiritual and emotional lives. SO while I do have headache issues and according to the nuerologist those are gonna stick around a month or two, I have been causing myself some severe stress over my constant watching of physical symptoms. So I have been making myself more sick than I really am by my subconscious worrying. Do I even need to draw the Spiritual parallels for you on this one? I do this with God all the time. I take what may be either nothing, or something small in his economy and I worry it into something gigantic and dehabilitating. That sucks. My doctor says I need to feel free to live normal life. The past 2 days I have been trying to and you know what, I feel as if the myst parted. I feel as if I woke up. I feel pretty darn good...
Can I say how much I love Fall. Even though right now the weather is 89 degrees I know it will get cold again and I love it.
-September schools start up and the newness, the unbridled potential for amazing life changing events occurs within the scholastic world. Not to mention college football begins.
-October comes along and the change of seasons begins (well everywhere but Southern California). This is my birthday month so no surprise that it is part of my favorite season. Not to mention baseball playoffs begin.
-November brings the harvest and Thanksgiving and the beginning of the great food and family festivity weeks. Not to mention one can feel Christmas hanging around the edges of one's life. Plus this is the month that USC usually beats up on Notre Dame (I know they lost to Stanford but you can't win all your games at home so it was destined to happen sometime).
-December for me is a rush of emotion. Not including seeing friends, Christmas carols, classic Christmas TV shows, wrapping gifts, Christmas decorations, and all the Christmas goodies, I have to admit I enjoy the crazy shopping times. These aren't a chore or a waste of time, they are a few hours of relationship building for each person I buy for. Though these people don't know it, my heart and mind are connected to them as I take the time to find that which may not be on their list but once recieved is cherished and appreciated as a token of being known and understood. I love the risk that is involved in buying for people something specific. Relationship is all about risk, and Christmas can be one of the more relationally risky moments of the year. And yes I do think the idea of giving gifts compliments the reality of Christ's birth quite well. This is a celebration. This is a time to remember that God gave his greatest gift and Christ risked all for relationship with us. This is a month that for some reason I feel more connected with Him than any other time of the year. It's also a month to snog with my wife by the fireplace and in front of the Christmas tree. Not to mention all the College football bowl games begin. I know it's not everybody's favorite time, and for many it may bring up painful family experiences but for me it is a spiritual retreat, and one that I am thankful for...
Well that's more than I intended to write so I hope all is well in the worlds of our friends, and
Happy Fall...
-Jason
So my Doctor tells me on Firday that my latest issues (pulse,numbness,tingling,breathing,etc) are all in my head. Great, there goes my excuse for sitting around watching nothing all day. Then he has the nerve to tell me to get back to living my normal life. Oh sure! Easy for him to say - he doesn't have an eye trying to pop out of his skull! But he is right, of course, much as I don't like to admit it. Our physical lives can really take a toll on our spiritual and emotional lives. SO while I do have headache issues and according to the nuerologist those are gonna stick around a month or two, I have been causing myself some severe stress over my constant watching of physical symptoms. So I have been making myself more sick than I really am by my subconscious worrying. Do I even need to draw the Spiritual parallels for you on this one? I do this with God all the time. I take what may be either nothing, or something small in his economy and I worry it into something gigantic and dehabilitating. That sucks. My doctor says I need to feel free to live normal life. The past 2 days I have been trying to and you know what, I feel as if the myst parted. I feel as if I woke up. I feel pretty darn good...
Can I say how much I love Fall. Even though right now the weather is 89 degrees I know it will get cold again and I love it.
-September schools start up and the newness, the unbridled potential for amazing life changing events occurs within the scholastic world. Not to mention college football begins.
-October comes along and the change of seasons begins (well everywhere but Southern California). This is my birthday month so no surprise that it is part of my favorite season. Not to mention baseball playoffs begin.
-November brings the harvest and Thanksgiving and the beginning of the great food and family festivity weeks. Not to mention one can feel Christmas hanging around the edges of one's life. Plus this is the month that USC usually beats up on Notre Dame (I know they lost to Stanford but you can't win all your games at home so it was destined to happen sometime).
-December for me is a rush of emotion. Not including seeing friends, Christmas carols, classic Christmas TV shows, wrapping gifts, Christmas decorations, and all the Christmas goodies, I have to admit I enjoy the crazy shopping times. These aren't a chore or a waste of time, they are a few hours of relationship building for each person I buy for. Though these people don't know it, my heart and mind are connected to them as I take the time to find that which may not be on their list but once recieved is cherished and appreciated as a token of being known and understood. I love the risk that is involved in buying for people something specific. Relationship is all about risk, and Christmas can be one of the more relationally risky moments of the year. And yes I do think the idea of giving gifts compliments the reality of Christ's birth quite well. This is a celebration. This is a time to remember that God gave his greatest gift and Christ risked all for relationship with us. This is a month that for some reason I feel more connected with Him than any other time of the year. It's also a month to snog with my wife by the fireplace and in front of the Christmas tree. Not to mention all the College football bowl games begin. I know it's not everybody's favorite time, and for many it may bring up painful family experiences but for me it is a spiritual retreat, and one that I am thankful for...
Well that's more than I intended to write so I hope all is well in the worlds of our friends, and
Happy Fall...
-Jason
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