powerless

i hate feeling powerless. i might hate it more than any other sensation. it's not a new feeling. it shouldn't surprise me. it's something my head reconciled a long time ago. but i still hate it.

the thing is, i don't know that i ultimately want power (some would call it control, but i want to avoid that word so as to side-step the "control freak" title), but in moments that i'm aware of how much power i DON'T have, it's like a rug just got pulled out from under me. why is that? i already knew there was no rug, why am i surprised when i look down and see it's not there?

since updating this blog has fallen by the wayside (something that IS within my power and brings up my other weakness: not doing something because i'm embarassed by how long i haven't done it already ... and so the cycle goes), i want everyone to understand that really, our lives are practically fantastic right now and i'm just in the middle of a little meltdown. my plate's been full, my wheels have been spinning, and my heart's been connected to a lot of those wheels. so i'm tired. and when i get tired, i feel like all the energy i've expended to make me so tired feels futile, and thus the powerlessness.

wheel #1: jason's medical mystery continues. test upon test upon test. what we now know is that there is fluid build-up, at least in the ear and maybe in the head? what we don't yet know is whether the cause can be identified. we really don't want to just treat symptoms, but are running out of options on finding the cause. the biggest challenge is his fatigue level - it's just not who he's ever been, so it's taken a lot for either of us to adjust to it, and at the same time, we'd rather not "just adjust" - what's really going on inside him!?

wheel #2: a new field of law for me. i'm now working with a *dear* friend in long beach two days a week. she runs a family law practice and i'm not gonna lie, it's just never easy learning a new field. but i must say, the hour commute is a lot easier to handle now that i've seen how some traffic systems work!

wheel #3: speaking of new fields, i've ventured into the real estate market and have been working with some friends to try and sell their home here in corona (yes, in the worst market in the nation). i can hardly explain how exhausting this has been (which shouldn't be a surprise given the last parenthetical, but like i said, even if i know a rug isn't there, i still land flat on my butt when i feel like it got yanked out from under me). in fact, let me take a minute to solicit prayers that we can close escrow!!! i'm ready to be just the friend again and drop the agent title.

and while i jog on my little spinning wheels, i'm still trying to reconcile what i know to be True about He who has made us and considers powerless lessons a good thing, designed to remind me
that He likes to be depended on, needs to be depended on, and is the only truly powerful or dependable source i've got.